tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2042512354194955402024-03-05T17:51:40.913-08:00My Eyes Have Seen the Glory“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then IN HIS JOY he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field."
Matthew 13:44 (ESV)MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-26219043321805484812010-10-09T20:29:00.000-07:002010-10-09T20:38:22.748-07:00My Story - God's help and gay desiresI am a Christian man, over 40 years old, and single. God has given me great joy in Him and I would not trade my life for anyone else’s. I became a Christian as a child and have sought to follow Jesus since then. I have never been married and I have experienced same-sex attraction (SSA), otherwise known as homosexual desire, since I was 12. By God’s grace I have never acted on it with anyone else. I can’t take any credit for the limits to my sin, though. I don’t have a strong will, I have a strong God! Also, thankfully I have had the compassionate help of Christian straight male friends.<br /><br />My parents, especially my father, were Christians before I was born and raised me in a Christian environment. We went to a Bible-believing church in Orlando, Florida. Yes, I grew up in the “Bible belt”. I was about nine years old when I understood the Good News of Jesus Christ for the first time. I knew I was a sinner destined for hell and my only hope was what Jesus did on the cross to pay for my sin. By God’s grace I believed and prayed for God to save me. I was motivated to pray, read the Bible, and learn all I could about Christianity. I could see that my father had a living, joyful relationship with God. He would often sing songs of worship out loud to God when he was driving or working around the house. When things went wrong, Dad prayed. Seeing God answer his prayers left a very deep impression on me. If he turned to God for his help, so would I!<br /><br />Things went well until our family left our church after an argument with the leaders. We were not in any church for several years, my father worked long hours, and I became emotionally isolated from my mother. I was in a public school and had little Christian fellowship. Then came the darkest years of my life. I was 12 years old, in 7th grade, and entering puberty. To my absolute horror, I found myself attracted to guys. I knew about homosexuality from the typical pre-teen boys’ taunts aimed at effeminate guys. I knew I did NOT want those taunts aimed at me, so I kept my mouth shut. Even though I was a Christian, I turned away from God, deciding I was gay and wanting to act on it some day.<br /><br />In 8th grade I shared several classes with a guy who befriended me. We hung out often at lunch and talked a lot after school waiting for the bus. He talked about sex, complimented me on my appearance, and dropped hints on being gay. I never admitted my desires for guys and I did not get his hints at the time. Looking back, I believe God kept me from understanding his hints and flirting. You see, that guy was then actively gay and has now become a famous gay activist / blogger!<br /><br />That same year I had a Christian teacher who called me to repentance, seeing that I was not walking with God and was deeply troubled. I do not believe she ever knew about my struggles with same-sex attraction, but she prayed for me and kept encouraging me to turn to God. I did start praying again and listening to recordings of Christian messages my father had around the house. I praise God that He brought me to repentance and renewed faith. I turned away from my decision to act on my SSA, and even felt a lessening of the desire.<br /><br />In high school I sought out God and Christian fellowship. I joined a church with a huge (300+) youth group, which was helpful, but I still could not regularly talk to anyone about my SSA. In college, I roomed with my brother and discovered that he was having sex with guys. He wouldn’t do it when I was there, but I definitely had to answer my share of late-night phone calls from guys asking for sex. I moved out of there and lived with Christian guys. A few years later my brother moved in with me after he was sick with HIV / AIDS. I took care of him and actually saw him take his last breath as he was dying…..<br /><br />Soon after college I moved to the suburbs of Washington, DC. I joined Covenant Life Church, where I have been for over 20 years, except for 2 years I lived in San Diego. God has given me friends in the church who have helped me through my temptations and made life so fulfilling.<br /><br />Lately I have been seeing something of the beauty of who God is and I know I want to give everything I possibly can to pursue Him. I want no more of my former half-hearted cautious approach to life! By His grace I have repented and instead have given of my time, money, and energy like never before. To the glory of God I want as much eternal fruit and treasure in heaven as possible. I have taken risks, befriending people with serious problems of drug addiction and sexual sin. I have prayed for them, shared with them what God had done for me, and served them. Some of them have repented and believed, and God has given me the privilege of seeing the beauty of His work in changing their hearts! It really is “breathtaking” to use John Piper’s words. I know and deeply feel that God really is worth far more than whatever pain or loss I have in this life. He really is like the treasure in the field in Matt 13:44 that is worth gladly giving EVERYTHING for. I want to continue to devote my life to pursuing God and helping others do the same!MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-12247887863965506932009-10-24T17:02:00.000-07:002009-10-24T17:21:11.605-07:00When Same-Sex Attraction does not ChangeKaren, on her blog <a href="http://pursuegod.wordpress.com/2009/10/13/what-if-you-dont-change/">Pursue God </a>asked several questions about same sex attraction (SSA) and change. I thought you would appreciate some of my answers.<br /><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">How do you feel about the fact that your same-sex attraction may not change?</span> I have accepted the idea that I will probably be tempted by SSA for the rest of my life. I feel a definite pain at times, since I know that the Bible and the perfectly loving God (!) who is behind the Bible clearly command me to abstain from the gay sex I crave.<br /><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">How does that affect the decisions you make for your life?</span> I treat the pain as an opportunity to demonstrate by my obedience in abstaining from gay sex that God is absolutely worth it all!<br /><br /><span style="color:#6600cc;">If you do not affirm homosexuality, what would you say to these ex-ex-gays who have clearly put blood, sweat and tears into trying to do what they believed was right?</span> I certainly feel the pain of the same struggle! Instead of focusing on sex, who you are attracted to, and the pain of saying no, think about God and about how good, loving, full of joy, powerful, and eternal He is. Consider that He is worth more than anything we can ever sacrifice!<br /><br /><span style="color:#3333ff;">If you do affirm homosexuality, what is it about the lack of change in sexual orientation that made you believe homosexuality is okay?</span> I do NOT affirm it.<br /><br /><span style="color:#6600cc;">How does change or lack of change in our life circumstances relate to Christian theology and the Christian life?</span> The lack of change which I have experienced is painful at times. Pursuing joy in God through suffering is a very important part of Christianity. The more I have experienced of how good and completely worthwhile God is, the more I have had the grace to say no to homosexuality and to seek joy in God instead. It has not been a matter of forcing myself to stop sinning, but rather I am so affected by the beauty and joy in God, that I see everything else, including sex, as something far less that I can drop for Him. I can gladly demonstrate by my very life and obedience that he is worth far more than a lifetime of gay sex. He is that good!<br /><br /><em>“In the pursuit of joy through suffering, we magnify the all-satisfying worth of the Source of our joy. God himself shines as the brightness at the end of our tunnel of pain. If we do not communicate that he is the goal and the ground of our joy in suffering, then the very meaning of our suffering will be lost. The meaning is this: God is gain. God is gain. God is gain.”</em> – John PiperMRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-71034010205947836062009-08-20T23:38:00.000-07:002009-08-21T00:00:13.593-07:00Jesus Paid it All !<p>Here is a video of Kristian Stanfill leading in worship with the hymn "Jesus Paid it All". This is a song I often sing to God as I worship in my times alone with Him. Kristian Stanfill demonstrates an intensity of devotion to God that is very evident in in this particular video.</p><br /><p></p><br /><p><br /><object height="344" width="425"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/onxhvivQYfI&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><br /><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/onxhvivQYfI&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></p>MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-3438576067673786792009-07-17T16:11:00.000-07:002009-07-17T16:12:03.642-07:00Same Sex Attraction, Silence, and SuicideRecently I have been meeting weekly with a group of Christian guys who also struggle with same sex attraction (SSA). This has been a great blessing to me. I already have straight Christian friends I talk to about this, but in this group there is a type of uniquely effective encouragement and helpful correction. I believe we need to talk to others about our struggles. Silence only causes more problems!<br /><br />I was raised in the "Bible Belt" and kept silent about my SSA due to cultural pressure. My family mostly would not talk out loud about this subject and we even developed a system of hints and non-verbal communication concerning SSA that offered "plausible deniability". That way, we could all claim we did not know that I or my brother liked other guys. Anyway, I eventually did find Christian friends I could talk with, but I miss the help that might have been if there had not been that culturally imposed silence.<br /><br />Two of my friends who struggle with SSA related troubles have been very depressed and nearly suicidal lately. By the way, they are the same guys I called “<a href="http://myeyeshaveseentheglory.blogspot.com/2008/06/toms-story.html">Tom</a>” and “<a href="http://myeyeshaveseentheglory.blogspot.com/2008/06/toms-story-part-2.html">Austin</a>” earlier in this blog. They are both in family/church/cultural situations that impose silence on them and I suspect that adds to their depression. I have known two suicide victims who I strongly suspect were depressed due to silence about the emotional pain connected to SSA. Here is a link to a blog where the author talks about silence and SSA-related suicides:<br /><a href="http://slaggetyslagg.blogspot.com/2009/07/hopefully-well-crafted-sentences.html">I Like Guys. There. I said it.</a><br /><br />We need to do all we can to encourage especially Evangelical Christians to stop culturally imposing silence on those that struggle with same sex attraction. Silence can be deadly !MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-66422515892666549162009-03-22T17:12:00.000-07:002009-03-22T17:16:43.757-07:00Solid Joys and Lasting TreasureToday I was moved by some verses that John Newton wrote. He is probably most famous for writing the words to the hymn “Amazing Grace”. Newton lived an immoral and ungodly life in the 1700s on the crew of several ships, and at one point was the captain of a ship carrying slaves away from Africa. His life was so completely changed when he believed the Good News of Jesus Christ, that he became a pastor in England. As a pastor Newton had great influence in the life of William Wilberforce, the Member of Parliament known for driving slavery out of the British empire. Here is what Newton wrote to be inscribed on his gravestone:<br /><br />“JOHN NEWTON, Clerk<br />Once an infidel and libertine<br />A servant of slaves in Africa,<br />Was, by the rich mercy of our Lord and Saviour<br />JESUS CHRIST,<br />restored, pardoned, and appointed to preach<br />the Gospel which he had long laboured to destroy.”<br /><br />That struck me with the beauty of what God does – taking something totally evil and transforming it into great good! I cried many tears of joy over these words. Here are some verses to another hymn Newton wrote in 1779:<br /><br />“See! the streams of living waters,<br />Springing from eternal love;<br />Well supply thy sons and daughters,<br />And all fear of want remove:<br />Who can faint while such a river<br />Ever flows their thirst t’assuage?<br />Grace, which like the Lord, the Giver,<br />Never fails from age to age.<br /><br />Savior, if of Zion’s city,<br />I through grace a member am,<br />Let the world deride or pity,<br />I will glory in Thy Name.<br />Fading is the worldling’s pleasure,<br />All his boasted pomp and show;<br />Solid joys and lasting treasure<br />None but Zion’s children know.”<br /><br />What can I say?<br /><br />Solid joys and lasting treasure none but Zion’s (heaven’s) children know !!MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-32043985785608129772009-03-07T19:30:00.000-08:002009-03-07T19:39:01.615-08:00My Friendship with my Brother – Part 5I remember telling my brother “Brad” I wanted to make sure his life and suffering were not wasted. I asked him if he had anything he learned that he wanted to communicate to others to help them. He said to tell anyone who is thinking of playing just a little with sexual sin this scripture:<br /><br />“Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned? Or can one walk on hot coals and his feet not be scorched?” - Proverbs 6:27-28<br /><br />Brad and I had talked when we were children about what would happen if we were sick and could not speak. We agreed that if that ever happened, we could communicate by a hand signal. Grabbing tighter meant yes and letting go meant no. The night before he died, Brad’s breathing changed. I asked him if he wanted me to pray and he could not speak, so he grabbed my hand, then my wrist, then up the arm to my elbow. I remembered our childhood conversation. I understood perfectly. He was saying yes, YES, <strong>YES!!</strong> I prayed that God would be with him and help him through this. Brad grabbed my arm again in agreement. I cried. I knew God would go with him in death, helping him where I couldn’t help right now. The following day I was helping a nurse turn him over and he moaned in pain and took his last breath. His heart stopped. It was over....<br /><br />A few days after Brad’s funeral my parents got a call from Tiffany, Brad’s high school “girlfriend”. She said she was recently divorced and wanted to know how Brad was doing. They told her he had just died. She burst into tears and hung up. She had NO idea that he was gay and sick from an HIV infection. We never heard from her again.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-18628352236456489742009-03-04T20:48:00.000-08:002009-03-05T17:15:06.531-08:00My Friendship with my Brother – Part 4A few years after college my brother "Brad" (not his real name) found out that not only was he infected with HIV, but also it was an extremely aggressive form that did not respond well to treatment. He was an assistant manager of a retail store and his doctor called him at work to tell him. Knowing he was dying soon, Brad closed the office door and cried for about one minute, until store employees kept banging on the door demanding his attention. He told himself, “I’ll think about that later” and calmly went back to work. Can you imagine his pain? The next year Brad was in and out of the hospital with one nasty infection after another. He was living in an apartment with a male prostitute who would even bring guys into the bedroom while I was there visiting Brad in the living room. There were condom wrappers on the floor. Not exactly a healthy Christian environment.<br /><br />I invited Brad to move in with me, and he accepted. Many people from my church came to the house and helped him out when he was sick. After one near death experience in the hospital, Brad turned to God. God changed his heart so he turned away from his sin and believed. He told all his gay friends that he was a Christian now, and they promptly abandoned him. I remember sitting next to him, hugging him and asking him if he knew that I loved him now. He said yes! That meant a lot. I couldn’t help but see the change from his previous “unloving Christians” comment. I thanked God.<br /><br />To be continued...MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-38520613244151738982009-03-01T15:45:00.000-08:002009-03-04T22:22:16.122-08:00My Friendship with my Brother – Part 3Brad’s “girlfriend” Tiffany dropped out of college and moved back to our home town, and Brad started getting concerned about his sins and his need for a savior, so he joined <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maranatha_Campus_Ministries" target="_blank">Maranatha Campus Ministries</a> (MCM). Soon, one of the leaders there discovered that Brad was having sex with another guy in that group and also having anonymous sex with many guys at gay meeting places on campus. If any of you know the history of MCM, you are cringing right now. You can guess what happened next. Brad was outed in a very painful, public way. He was thrown out of the group and his sins were told to all the members. It wasn’t pretty. One of the leaders made sure to tell me all the details, even though I was not a member of MCM.<br /><br />It finally hit me that I needed to show Brad a little compassion. As you can imagine, he was bitter at Christians at that point. For him, the painful way he was treated by Christians motivated him to differentiate himself from Christians. At the time, being gay-identified implied someone was anti-Christian, so he expressed his disgust with Christians by flaunting his homosexuality in some contexts. I asked why he was “hanging around gays”. I will never forget his answer. He said, “They love me, and that is more than I can say about Christians!” All I could say to him was that I actually loved him and that I am a Christian. This memory still brings tears to my eyes years later.<br /><br />To be continued…MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-69812815109582113022009-02-26T23:40:00.000-08:002009-03-04T22:25:22.792-08:00My Friendship with my Brother – Part 2I don’t know if Brad actually succeeded in having gay sex in high school, but he definitely did in college. At that time monogamy was less common among gays and he threw himself into a very destructive promiscuous lifestyle of random encounters. He graduated from high school one year after me, and he and Tiffany decided to go to the same college where I was. He shared a dormitory room with me there that next year. This was before cell phones were common, so we shared one wall phone in our room together.<br /><br />I remember hearing the phone ring in the middle of the night and getting up to answer it. Jeremy (not his real name), the caller, thought I was Brad and asked me for sex in very graphic, almost poetic, words which I will not repeat here. I firmly shouted back at him, “You have the wrong number!” and hung up immediately. I told Brad that it was an obscene phone call from someone who sounded like Jeremy. This was my hint to Brad that I knew everything he was doing with guys. Embarrassed, Brad just remained silent. We never actually talked about his gay sex out loud until he was publicly outed about a year later. I hope I never act like that again. Brad needed me to compassionately talk through this situation confidentially. Instead, I just dropped hints and put him down.<br /><br />By this time, God had brought me to a place where I was very serious about following Jesus Christ. Also, I believed (as I still do) that gay sex is sin. I knew if I stayed with Brad I would be tempted to start having gay sex with one of his friends, so I left the dorm and moved in with a group of Christian guys. Actually, that was when I moved in with BC <a href="http://myeyeshaveseentheglory.blogspot.com/2008/03/healthy-male-friendship.html" target="_blank">as I told about in a previous post</a>.<br /><br />To be continued...MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-68363327525722594512009-02-22T14:21:00.000-08:002009-02-22T14:31:23.476-08:00My Friendship with my BrotherThis post will be about a unique kind of friend – my brother! I decided to post this after discussing it with several friends. I would especially like to thank Jay from <a href="http://collegejay.blogspot.com/">Adventures of a Christian Collegian</a> for his very helpful input and encouragement about this.<br /><br />Brad (not his real name) was a year younger than me and we were always together in my earliest childhood memories. Um, there is no easy way to say this, but we were also together at the very end of his life, too. I was right there when he died and I literally saw him take his last breath…….<br /><br />Brad also had same sex attraction, but unlike me, he went after gay sex with reckless abandon. I first noticed this when he was about 12 years old. He would stare at good looking guys a little too long and a little too often, and since I felt the same attraction I definitely noticed Brad doing that. We both kept quiet about this to each other and to the family. I saw him spending time with his male friends in high school and I could tell he valued those guys above his “girlfriend” Tiffany (not her real name). I pretended everything was normal and acted like I didn’t notice. I just didn’t want to deal with the trouble that would happen if the garbage hit the fan. You have to understand the environment at the time. We lived in the “Bible Belt” and went to a large (300+) youth group in a megachurch. Any confession of homosexuality would bring down ridicule on the family and repeated public humiliation for us in school, maybe even worse. So, Brad continued to “date” Tiffany and sneak around trying to get sex with guys. I kept my mouth shut about both Brad and myself.<br /><br />To be continued…MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-1072821012063661332008-12-15T23:06:00.000-08:002009-03-04T22:21:39.114-08:00Desiring God<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmLwKUyMsFIYDyZNZmC1IFgT6jzt8T4ySProoYKMn2hLTGLvgkmWo-P-qITyfB-y0o92Trr3gHl2IClWHH4z6HKa7NmULSVC95Ed_qtIMFqeayxg1g9Io9PJiuDsKnY5A6EuLgojVM3NQ/s1600-h/bdg_small.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5282405711444574770" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 80px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 128px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmLwKUyMsFIYDyZNZmC1IFgT6jzt8T4ySProoYKMn2hLTGLvgkmWo-P-qITyfB-y0o92Trr3gHl2IClWHH4z6HKa7NmULSVC95Ed_qtIMFqeayxg1g9Io9PJiuDsKnY5A6EuLgojVM3NQ/s400/bdg_small.jpg" border="0" /></a> <a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/OnlineBooks/ByTitle/1594_Desiring_God/">Desiring God</a><br />Meditations of A Christian Hedonist<br /><div></div><br /><div>Other than the Bible, the book that has influenced me the most by far is <em>Desiring God</em> by John Piper. My life is completely, very visibly different after my encounter with that book. It changed me inside, outside, my emotions, my logic, my thoughts, and my actions. I say none of this lightly. The differences before and after are extreme. To paraphrase CS Lewis, the book was good, but not safe.<br /><br />Before <em>Desiring God</em> I believe I was a Christian, but my life was safe, comfortable, and predictable. I was not very happy, but I thought my safety and comfort would eventually bring happiness. Was I ever wrong!<br /><br />One day a pastor at my church observed my unhappiness and gave me the book. I read it through once and I got the basic idea, which was to pursue your joy in God. I understood it with my mind, but my heart was disengaged; it was not important to me. A few months later John Piper, the author, spoke at a church event. That is what stopped me still in my tracks and then turned me completely around. Piper preached this sermon: <a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/ConferenceMessages/ByConference/35/2865_Gods_Passion_for_the_Supremacy_of_God/">God's Passion for the Supremacy of God</a> (You can click the link to hear a recording of that exact message preached that day, but listen at your own risk.) I cried the entire time. I felt Piper being deeply emotionally affected by the beauty of God Himself. I felt his joy in God. I deeply understood why he had devoted his life to preaching God’s Word. I caught a glimpse of what motivated Christian heroes of the past to die for their faith. I knew I wanted what Piper had!<br /><br />I immediately dropped everything and went back to reading <em>Desiring God</em>, only this time I was praying that God would cause me to “get it” in my heart, not just my mind. I determined to keep reading and reading until it got through to me. I especially focused on the Scriptures Piper quoted. I started to see that I was always pursuing my own joy in all my decisions but that in God Himself was a joy better than all others. I cried, I prayed, I longed for God, and He met me! I think I reread the chapter on money and the chapter on suffering at least 5 times each. In the end I decided to pursue wholeheartedly my joy in Him and give of my time, energy, money, and love, to the full amount God would enable me.<br /><br />I started making major life decisions to maximize my joy in God eternally at the expense of earthly security and ease. I gave money. I stopped trying to impress influential people. Instead I sought out needy people, served them and befriended them, pointing them to Jesus, the One greater than all their needs!<br /><br />I will never be the same; I will never turn back; I don’t want to! There is no one, there is nothing better than God!</div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div></div><div>By the way, for people who don't have the time to follow all of the theological depth in <em>Desiring God</em>, Piper wrote a very brief summary entitled <em>Dangerous Duty of Delight</em>. That smaller book says everthing <em>Desiring God</em> says, except it leaves out some theological arguments and counter-arguments. The inspirational passion for God is definitely left in!</div>MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-70707251367237967202008-11-27T21:11:00.000-08:002009-03-04T22:20:40.042-08:00Christian fellowship and gay jokes<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLgCmFoDwzHfBo50vq9bsmMxdFc3D1Ed7SDdmkJzl2K_1RRKS_hOJl2EOFOsHR8ve4Q6LrLi3EdbT5nvBJwOe-h-yFQXoklQgM8zkEWWJy5EWVzGvxJzWLpCIS_AVTEaEzmE-3P675Z9k/s1600-h/n623987364_1007055_4245.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5275070729115333298" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 300px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 400px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLgCmFoDwzHfBo50vq9bsmMxdFc3D1Ed7SDdmkJzl2K_1RRKS_hOJl2EOFOsHR8ve4Q6LrLi3EdbT5nvBJwOe-h-yFQXoklQgM8zkEWWJy5EWVzGvxJzWLpCIS_AVTEaEzmE-3P675Z9k/s400/n623987364_1007055_4245.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Things have gone very well in my new church in San Diego. A few weeks ago I had a serious talk with one of the pastors and told him all about my fight with same sex attraction and he was supportive and helpful. He understands that I will probably never have enough attraction to a woman to get married, and that is fine with him. In other words, turning from homosexuality means turning to God, not necessarily turning to heterosexuality.<br /><br />The people in this church have done their best to befriend me and make me feel included. I need that and I thank God for that. Today that pastor invited me over to his house for Thanksgiving dinner with his family and many other friends from the church. I had to laugh because there definitely was a gay theme to some of the joking around before dinner. Two very straight guys sat down together in a very small love seat right in front of their wives. Yes, those are the guys in the photo above. They joked about each others’ bodies and wrestled around like little kids. At that point the church worship leader walked in wearing multicolored flip flops and a tight fitting T-shirt that called attention to his well developed chest. One of the guys on the love seat stopped wrestling, looked up at the worship leader and said,<br /><br />“You’re looking bi-curious today.”<br /><br />I laughed a little too loud and long at that, but we were all ok with each other. Several guys in that room know about my attraction to men, and we all knew I would not be offended but that I was laughing along with them. I love it when I have friends I am so comfortable with, that I can joke even about that subject. </div>MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-19318992734720986972008-10-07T21:12:00.000-07:002009-03-04T22:21:17.900-08:00Emotional DependenceIn commenting on other blogs such as <a href="http://collegejay.blogspot.com/">http://collegejay.blogspot.com/</a> I often get involved in questions about “emotional dependence”. I only use that phrase in the negative sense because it says enough in 2 words so that most people know basically what I mean.<br /><br />I agree that there is nothing wrong with loving a friend so much that sometimes I deeply feel the need to share in fellowship (emotionally depend on him). What I mean by unhealthy emotional dependence is when I selfishly idolize someone to an extreme. Some signs of this extreme are an obsession where I think about him constantly, a jealousy when he spends time with others, or a demand to see him often. In other words, if I treat a guy like a boyfriend, not just a friend, then I have an unhealthy emotional dependence on him.<br /><br />I definitely HAVE experienced emotionally fulfilling friendships. We all need those. Ask God for more of them as you keep reaching out to others in unselfish love.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-74495288893433620232008-09-02T22:48:00.000-07:002008-09-03T13:44:31.275-07:00Heaven Rejoices!"I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."- Luke 15:7<br /><br />I heard from one of my friends in Maryland that JS is now a Christian! I have prayed for him for years. He was one of the teenage guys who used to hang out at Tom's house. Like Mike, he got very involved in drugs and his life spiralled downward. He has been married, divorced, in and out of rehab several times, and now at age 26 he is back at his parents' house. A few weeks ago he saw that he would die if he continued down the same path so he asked his father to pray for him. His father asked him what to pray and JS said,"I need God!" At that point he knew that God had made him a new man. God gave him faith and he really believed that Jesus is the only way to a relationship with God and eternal life. JS has been free from drugs, and is now praying, studying the Bible, and sharing in fellowship with Christians. Everyone who knows him is amazed with the change and the very visible love, joy, and peace!<br /><br />There is such a beauty in God's work to change a human heart. John G. Paton, missionary to Vanuatu in the 1800s, described this well:<br /><br />"At the moment I put the bread and wine into those dark hands, once stained with the blood of cannibalism, now stretched out to receive and partake the emblems and seals of the Redeemer's love, I had a foretaste of the joy of glory that well nigh broke my heart to pieces. I shall never taste a deeper bliss, till I gaze on the glorified face of Jesus himself."<br /><br />In the words of Charles Wesley, this is what Jesus Christ did:<br /><br />Mild He lays his glory by,<br />Born that man no more may die;<br />Born to raise the sons of earth;<br />Born to give them second birth.<br /><br />Jesus has raised JS, the son of earth, and given him second birth!MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-26937534368798983532008-06-29T00:16:00.000-07:002008-06-29T19:43:46.027-07:00A wedding and an expression of friendship.I just returned from my friends’ wedding. Yes, this is the guy I called Justin in a previous post. It was an outdoor wedding in the backyard of the house of some friends from church. It featured the reliable San Diego sunshine and cloudless sky. Justin and his wife (I’ll call her “Megan”) are both very committed to a beautiful freedom from the slavery to money and possessions. Their material simplicity was clearly reflected in the wedding. When they shared their vows and they said “in sickness and in health”, I knew that Justin has been supportive and helpful to Megan in a recent illness. When they said “for richer or for poorer”, I knew that they have been trusting God while not knowing where they would live or where the next month’s rent would come from. God has provided beautifully in answer to their prayers. I cried joyful tears. That is real love.<br /><br />At the reception afterwards in the same backyard Justin made it a point to talk to me. He wanted to express his friendship to me and then clear up a small misunderstanding that had hurt me greatly. Through a lack of communication I had been excluded from an event a few weeks earlier. I was trying to overlook the offensive action, but it had caused me much emotional pain. I was determined to wait until AFTER the wedding and honeymoon to bring it up, since I did not want to add any drama to the emotional overload that Justin and Megan were already dealing with. Well, Justin cared about me so much that he took time out from his own wedding to bring it up himself and to assure me that he did NOT want to exclude me and that I am one of his closest friends. I almost cried tears of joy again. I thank God for friends like Justin.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-36685553896518515352008-06-18T01:41:00.000-07:002008-06-29T19:41:53.113-07:00My friends and gay marriage in CaliforniaPray for my good friend "Justin" and his fiancé "Megan". They are going to the courthouse tomorrow here in California to get their marriage license for their wedding, which is in a week and a half. As you probably know, tomorrow is only the 2nd day the state is issuing licenses for gay marriage, too. That means they will possibly be one heterosexual couple surrounded by a crowd of gays in the courthouse waiting for a license.<br /><br />Pray that God will use them to show Christian love and understanding to the others in that situation. Ever since I have known him, Justin has been very caring and understanding toward us who deal with same sex attraction. Pray that others will see in Justin and Megan that all Christians don't fit the Phelps stereotype.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-91253127070090486612008-05-26T19:30:00.000-07:002008-05-26T19:52:40.062-07:00How to Change the WorldThis is a quote from John Piper given at One Day 2000:<br /><br />"You don't have to know a lot of things for your life to make a lasting difference in the world. But you do have to know the few great things that matter, and then be willing to live for them and die for them. The people that make a durable difference in the world are not the people who have mastered many things, but who have been mastered by a few great things. If you want your life to count, if you want the ripple effect of the pebbles you drop to become waves that reach the ends of the earth and roll on for centuries and into eternity, you don't have to have a high IQ or EQ; you don't have to have to have good looks or riches; you don't have to come from a fine family or a fine school. You have to know a few great, majestic, unchanging, obvious, simple, glorious things, and be set on fire by them."<br /><br />Here is a link to the audio:<br /><a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/1483/Audio/">http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/1483/Audio/</a><br /><br />There is no substitute for hearing, not just reading, John Piper. The emotional power that comes through in his spoken word has gotten through to my heart in ways that merely reading his messages have not.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-85716408506425605552008-04-05T11:03:00.000-07:002008-04-06T00:04:04.338-07:00Moved to San DiegoWell, my life's adventure started yet another new chapter as I moved to San Diego last week. 5 different companies scheduled me for job interviews there and my father was clearly continuing to do fine without help, so I packed up my car and drove from Florida to California.<br /><br />The landscape of the desert Southwest was especially beautiful to me. I saw several century plants blooming, which I especially appreciate because an individual plant only blooms about once every 25 years. Here is a picture (not taken by me) of a century plant in bloom:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq2MGJ_5TYbA5fb1jWXJaollDTw-21S3oWUPnnKJsrVJeyRM4Ukh__UsC9aljr1ZiICRcTEqgtJEyDRgXHFz7vxH2YR9rcUmY1L8YEtbjoLXvbR1gQNdoLvdEzlCTDVFmUWjoEBkeeq2o/s1600-h/centuryplant.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq2MGJ_5TYbA5fb1jWXJaollDTw-21S3oWUPnnKJsrVJeyRM4Ukh__UsC9aljr1ZiICRcTEqgtJEyDRgXHFz7vxH2YR9rcUmY1L8YEtbjoLXvbR1gQNdoLvdEzlCTDVFmUWjoEBkeeq2o/s400/centuryplant.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5185826619877976002" /></a><br /><br />The desert is a harsh environment and it always amazes me that so many plants and animals live there. Here is another photo (not mine) of the landscape along I-8 through Arizona:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ1O9CA752t5a4bwdNEk_UlVRXMo4ikFahfwCDceTIGKxQAwqibw6Ofurf8truGbFsoMPiI_0uCJxYOUn1768Nt7Uvm7vD9QeahbKr1XjNs2tWNFO6ZLtGDXafBkzxoXuzV69QenWSFQk/s1600-h/I-8+landscape.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJ1O9CA752t5a4bwdNEk_UlVRXMo4ikFahfwCDceTIGKxQAwqibw6Ofurf8truGbFsoMPiI_0uCJxYOUn1768Nt7Uvm7vD9QeahbKr1XjNs2tWNFO6ZLtGDXafBkzxoXuzV69QenWSFQk/s400/I-8+landscape.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5185828071576922066" /></a><br /><br />I drove a route that got close to the Mexican border several places in Texas and then California. ALL the traffic on I-8 was stopped at least 3 places in California by the U.S. Border Patrol, I guess to search for illegal immigrants. I had no problems since I had proper ID, but I was surprised they would stop all traffic to search since the road actually stayed entirely within the U.S. People have to be desperate to risk crossing the border in some of these locations. The climate is so hot and dry in those deserts and mountains, many people die every year from dehydration when they get lost and run out of water.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-13553274302268713882008-03-09T20:42:00.000-07:002008-03-09T21:00:07.723-07:00My Trip to FloridaRecently my father was sick and I thought he needed my help with long term care, so I drove to his house in Florida from Seattle. Many mountain passes were blocked by snow in the Cascades and Rockies, so I couldn't drive directly there or even use Interstate 5, I had to take the coastal highway 101 through Oregon and California. Below is a photo taken on that highway in Oregon. Much of the trip was driving on a steep cliff like that overlooking the ocean. Beautiful!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/13111676@N08/2323146748/" title="Pacific Coast Hwy - Oregon by MR850, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3232/2323146748_41123958d3.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="Pacific Coast Hwy - Oregon" /></a><br /><br />Here is my father's back yard. He obviously likes tropical plants.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/13111676@N08/2323150132/" title="DadsBackYard by MR850, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3101/2323150132_cdc7a23920.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="DadsBackYard" /></a><br /><br />My father has improved to the point that he does not need my help any more, so I am praying about where to go next. I may have a job opportunity in San Diego, but I really like Seattle...I'm sure God will help me decide.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-59256322785209366522008-02-24T10:22:00.001-08:002008-05-26T19:46:12.994-07:00Love Your EnemiesBrandon put up a post on the <a href="http://www-afterthoughts.blogspot.com/2008/02/mind-your-manners.html">Afterthoughts</a> blog about how it can be cruel when someone looks at a guy’s mannerisms or appearance and then asks if he is gay. In a comment Brandon said, "The point of this post was ... also to get across that judging people on their looks is wrong. And backing people into a corner where they either have to out themselves or lie is wrong too."<br /><br />I thought others might appreciate my response. Yes, it is definitely wrong to judge others by their looks or mannerisms and then back them into a corner by asking if they are gay. I hope I never do that.<br /><br />If someone mistreats me like that I want to remember that Jesus said to love and pray for our enemies. He taught us to do good to those that mistreat us instead of repaying evil for evil. Once a straight guy did that to me, only he didn’t ASK if I was gay, he TOLD ME “You’re gay!” I answered him gently and with respect, showing I cared about him. I explained that I was tempted, but God helps me resist. He and I had regular conversations over a long period of time where I kept trying to show him God’s love. We eventually became friends and he apologized for his bad behavior. Last week he actually told me that I am his closest friend!<br /><br />So God may use you to change the heart of the one mistreating you. Love your enemies.<br /><br />Luke 6:27-28 (NIV)"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-91050308546101881812008-02-21T21:41:00.000-08:002008-05-26T19:54:13.380-07:00Let your light shine in a different waySometimes we fear open discussion of sexuality issues with straight guys because of past hurts. Of course, there are some straight guys who are willing to deal with these things in a friendly way.<br /><br />A few weeks ago I was eating dinner with two of my friends who also struggle with same-sex attraction. We were openly discussing sexual subjects and, uh, …maybe not appearing very masculine to the waiter in the process… The waiter was an obviously straight ex-marine who had served in Iraq. He actually stayed and talked to us after we got up to leave, even asking us questions as we talked about Christianity, freedom from legalism, and a real relationship with God.<br /><br />Sometimes even tough guys can be open in these situations. We just need to create a normal, trusting environment and encourage 2-way conversations.<br /><br />Matthew 5:15-17 (NIV) Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-83294403145425429772008-02-19T16:49:00.000-08:002008-02-19T16:54:26.282-08:00Earth's best will fail, but God will not!Thy Word commands our flesh to dust,<br />“Return, ye sons of men:”<br />All nations rose from earth at first,<br />And turn to earth again.<br /><br />The busy tribes of flesh and blood,<br />With all their lives and cares,<br />Are carried downwards by the flood,<br />And lost in following years.<br /><br />Time, like an ever rolling stream,<br />Bears all its sons away;<br />They fly, forgotten, as a dream<br />Dies at the opening day.<br /><br />Like flowery fields the nations stand<br />Pleased with the morning light;<br />The flowers beneath the mower’s hand<br />Lie withering ere ‘tis night.<br /><br />Under the shadow of Thy throne<br />Thy saints have dwelt secure;<br />Sufficient is Thine arm alone,<br />And our defense is sure.<br /><br />Before the hills in order stood,<br />Or earth received her frame,<br />From everlasting Thou art God,<br />To endless years the same.<br /><br />-Isaac Watts (1719)MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-20632722635825009922008-02-17T12:42:00.000-08:002008-02-17T12:44:41.832-08:00Coping with SinglenessThis entry is from an email I sent to a friend. I removed a few details to hide who he is, but it is essentially intact. He had expressed to me that he was facing the possibility of living the rest of his life without sex. I thought others might appreciate my response, so here it is:<br /><br />You said "I am beginning to feel." I want you to know that I have been praying for exactly that for you and I am so glad to see God answering so quickly. I know what it is not to feel as I should. There was a time when I had not cried in years. For me the process of starting to feel was extremely painful, but SO worth it!<br /><br />As you know, mere logic is insufficient to persuade people. You are very skilled in presenting arguments clearly and logically, but you can only convince people to change when you feel deep inside how important the truth is that you are communicating. One such moment happened for me at the restaurant when we had breakfast. I don't know if you could feel the depth of my emotion, but I remember looking you in the eye and telling you that the only way to happily live single is to look beyond this life and into eternity! I was being powerfully affected by the beauty of glorifying God eternally and expressing His love through denying myself, taking up my cross, and following Jesus. Eternal rewards are so much better than earth's best!<br /><br />It is a great blessing to hear that some of the Psalms in your Bible are stained with your coffee. I pray that soon they will be stained with your tears of joy! When you experience the depth of beauty found in God, you will gladly give your life to showing Him to others. I pray that many will turn to Jesus because they believe the truth you speak and feel the beauty you feel!MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-14824829864096517172008-01-22T23:47:00.000-08:002008-01-22T23:55:59.469-08:00God's Amazing ForgivenessI know God forgave much when He forgave me! I am so glad He loves His children like that.<br />This hymn below says it so well:<br /><br /><br /> Depth of mercy! Can there be<br />Mercy still reserved for me?<br />Can my God His wrath forbear,<br />Me, the chief of sinners, spare?<br /><br />I have spilt His precious blood,<br />Trampled on the Son of God,<br />Filled with pangs unspeakable,<br />I, who yet am not in hell!<br /><br />Whence to me this waste of love?<br />Ask my Advocate above!<br />See the cause in Jesus’ face,<br />Now before the throne of grace.<br /><br />There for me the Savior stands,<br />Shows His wounds and spreads His hands.<br />God is love! I know, I feel;<br />Jesus weeps and loves me still.<br /><br />Now incline me to repent,<br />Let me now my sins lament,<br />Now my foul revolt deplore,<br />Weep, believe, and sin no more.<br /><br />- Charles Wesley (1740)MRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-204251235419495540.post-67649011767648226392008-01-02T22:35:00.000-08:002008-01-02T22:42:35.214-08:00MoneyMatthew 6:19-21 (NIV) "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."<br /><br />- Jesus Christ<br /><br /><br />"Money never stays with me…. I throw it out of my hands as soon as possible, lest it should find a way into my heart. "<br /><br />- John WesleyMRhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16747154844168947527noreply@blogger.com2